


Confiding

by BlueBird1199



Category: Mass Effect Andromeda
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Fear, Jaal talks to her and helps with that, Skye Ryder doesn’t know how to deal with things, fear of failure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 17:02:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12869052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueBird1199/pseuds/BlueBird1199
Summary: Skye Has issues with anxiety, Jaal comes to help





	Confiding

**Author's Note:**

> So this is literally just a self indulgent thing I wrote, if you like it too maybe consider leaving a comment or something? I’m sort of rusty on the whole writing thing.

Ryder’s trying to keep her mind occupied, writing, then spellchecking, then tweaking, then spellchecking again, but the missions reports can't seem to keep her busy enough.

Anxiety and depression are a fickle duo, and she's succumbed to their pull after putting up a cheerful and optimistic front for weeks. She's not sure when exactly her mind began its nosedive, but suddenly she hasn't showered in three days, and is spending almost every moment not out in the field sitting on her floor staring out at the scourge infected galaxy she's trying to save. It's too draining to be out with the rest of the crew 24/7, and despite her best efforts she knows they’re starting to worry.

Jaal worries most of all, even though he knows about her issues, he didn't expect her to change so drastically behind closed doors. He's still as affectionate as ever; telling her how wonderful she is, even with her disheveled, greasy hair and dark circles. He reminds her every morning how much he adores everything about her; the compassion she has for almost every living creature, the biotic strength she commands, even the way she sneezes.

It helps of course, having someone there to lean on who doesn't judge and supports her even on her rough days; makes it easier to roll out of bed and face the day. But even Jaal’s wonderful encouragement can't keep her own awful thoughts at bay.

The familiar sensation of an oncoming anxiety attack sent her rushing to her quarters hours ago, and she's been at her desk attempting to regain some control ever since. Even as a child, they were never easy to get past, usually resulting in her riding it out in her room until her mom found her, red-faced and shaking so hard she couldn't speak.

She tries the methods Lexi’s suggested; breathing exercises, counting, doodling, but it all just seems to barely keep the intrusive thoughts at bay, and finally the stress and fear overwhelm her after keeping it together for so long. she's relieved no one’s around to see it at least.

Trembling, she pulls all of her limbs in, curling into a ball and gripping the sides of her head as if she's going to fall apart if her body shakes too hard. Everything aches with how rigid she's holding herself and she can barely breath, afraid that if she opens her mouth she’ll start sobbing.

_It should've been me, not Dad._

For a moment she considers trying to stumble her way to the bed or the couch, but she can't get her body to move and sucks in a ragged breath. She's sweating and shaking and the hot tears are already rolling down her cheeks, but in her compromised and irrational state she can't bring herself to call for Lexi.

_Can't bother Lexi with my stupid problems._

Her own brain is working against her, reminding her off all the times she's fucked up while in her fathers place. He was the real Pathfinder, he could've saved all the people she couldn't, he would be able to take down the Archon where she would fail miserably and die.

_I've let everyone down. Everyone is going to die because I can't save them._

The pained expression her face has twisted into finally relaxes as the sobs finally escape her throat, and it feels like she can't get enough air into her lungs. Sam finally speaks up.

“Ryder, you’re hyperventilating. I know you do not want me too, but I will be forced to alert Dr. T’Perro if your attack does not subside within the next 5 minutes.” The AI warns her with as much of a gentle voice as possible.

She swallows hard, trying to slow her breathing, but it's as if her chest is being squeezed by a giant fist and every breath she pulls into her lungs is crushed back out.

“No, no no no no... not Lexi...” It’s all Ryder can get out in, her tone soft and airy as she struggles to speak.

“Very well then.” Sam says, not like a surrender but as if he's got something else in mind. She doesn't notice and returns trying to quell her breathing.

_I'm such a disappointment. Mom would hate me._

There's a few more moments of her sitting nearly catatonic, with nothing but the slight creak of the chair she's in from the shaking and her short labored breaths to fill the silence. Then the door opens.

She can't get herself to turn to see who it is, but his voice quickly lets her know.

“Skye, Sam said you needed..” Jaal’s deep hum of a voice enters the room only to trail off as he takes in the scene. “Skye?!” He's alarmed by the state she's in, but still quickly springs into action.

_Oh god, I'll lose him too._

He hurries to her side, Turning the chair and kneeling down to be eye level with her. She manages to lift her head and wipes away the tears with her sleeve, seeing her boyfriends worried face. He looks like he’s just been woken up, wearing nothing but some kind of baggy pants and tired looking eyes behind his frantic expression.

“Darling one, what's wrong?! Are you injured?!” He inquires as he hastily yet gently checks her face and neck for any sign of damage.

Her lungs and throat are so strained they won't let her speak and she continues with her quick inhales, shaking her head ‘no’.

“Ryder is suffering from an anxiety attack, brought on by the stress of the current mission.” Sam explains. “I originally wanted to alert the doctor, but Ryder seemed adamant she not be involved. Which is why I called you, as Ryder trusts you more than anyone else aboard the ship.”

“I see.. thank you Sam.” Jaal says, and it's as much of a dismissal as it is a thanks. It's not meant to be rude, but he knows Ryder will want privacy.

“Your welcome, Jaal.” With that, Sam is logged off.

He lets his hand linger on her face, running his thumb across her cheek as he cups it, before attempting to get his arms around her.

“You’re alright.. you’re safe..” He murmurs as he manages to lift her out of the office chair and cradle her to his chest.

She's never been so pissed, and relieved at the same time. Pissed at Sam for getting Jaal, and relieved she's no longer trapped alone at her desk. Her mind continues to reel as he settles onto the couch and she clings to him, grasping at the fabric of his rofjinn in fear of the familiar warmth leaving.

Once, several months ago in the earlier stages of their relationship, she'd told him about her attacks. They were much less frequent now than when she was a teenager, but still prevalent enough in her life that she felt a need to warn him.

“It's not really something to worry about, I've been dealing with them since I was little. I just don't want you to freak out if I have one.” She’d assured him when he expressed concern for her health, but secretly hoping he'd never have to witness her in that state.

Now here she was, gasping for air and trembling in his lap while he strokes her hair trying to soothe her.

He doesn't ask anything, trying to get her to speak is pointless until she calms down. Instead he does his best to reassure and comfort her, hugging her close as her head rests on his chest.

“You’re safe, nothing can harm you here.” He repeats in a hushed voice. Jaal knows a few things about how severe anxiety can affect someone, thanks to a visit to Lexi after his conversation with Skye months prior.

While the doctor wouldn't divulge too much from Skye's personal files, she had given him the basics of what to do and what not to. Making sure the person feels safe was a priority.

She unclenches her fist from his clothes and let's her palm rest against him, feeling the steady thumping of his heartbeat. Squeezing her eyes shut she focuses on it, trying to find some kind of rhythm with her own erratic pulse.

It takes longer than she wants, but eventually her lungs seem to relax and the ragged sobs subside into deep, quivering breaths as she regains control. Though she's calmed her body down the intrusive thoughts still swirl around in her brain, and she's left staring off into space with glassy, tired eyes.

What will she say to him? There's no way he'd ever let her off with an ‘I'm fine, just tired’ or anything that dismissed her issues for that matter. She feels pathetic; her father would be ashamed to see her in such a sorry state when hundreds of thousands of lives were riding on her.

_Scott would've done a much better job, he had always been the overachiever while she struggled with.. everything, really. Schooling, her biotics, hell even making friends was a challenge for her._

_I’ll never be good enough. The Archon’s going to destroy everything and it’ll be all my fault._

“Darling..? Are you able to speak now?” Jaal finally asks, his words practically dripping with concern.

A few seconds tick by before she can force herself to speak, throat sore and clogged from all the crying.

“Yeah.” She croaks out, sniffling as she continues staring blankly out the window beside her. “I'm sorry you had to see me like this.”

“My dearest love, there's nothing to apologize for.” He’s taken aback by her words, how exhausted and bleak she sounds. “If something is troubling you, I want to help you with it.”

“Huh, It's been.. a really long time since someone's said anything like that. Feels kinda weird.” She sniffles, slightly surprised at his willingness to put up with all of this.

“Why is it weird?” He asks, slightly confused. “Angara confide in their loved ones, well, with everything really.” He finishes with a soft chuckle. It's another foreign Milky Way thing, he’s sure, and waits for her to explain.

Skye takes the time to unwind her strained limbs before answering, and Jaal quickly loosens his protective grip on her, allowing her to stretch her legs across the couch and letting her hands rest limply in her lap.

“It's just.. not something we really talked about in my family.” She begins with a sigh. “Mom and dad were supportive and loving, but they were super busy all the time. I guess it’s my fault too, I never really told told them how bad it was.” She sounds drained, the words coming out monotonous while she watches the stars outside her window. “I just sort of.. bottled it all up, so no one else would have to deal with my problems. Eventually I bottle too much up and it just overflows into a big ugly mess.”

It feels like a lame excuse for the state she’s in. Normally people have good reasons for a mental breakdown, but Skye.. she can’t think of any. Her head just feels heavy and foggy as she continues to come down from the anxiety attack.

“What have you been ‘bottling up’? Maybe talking about what’s hurting you will help.” He suggests gently, hoping to keep her in this calmer state.

“I.. I’ve been thinking about _everything_. A lot, actually. I don’t feel... good enough, to be the Pathfinder.” And just like that, the words start pouring out, like a dam that’s finally broken. “I’m not strong enough, or smart enough, or anything, and every time someone talks about fighting the Archon, all I can think about is failing because I’m not good enough. My dad would’ve been way more better at this than me, he had the training and skills and knew how to lead people and.. and...”

Her breath starts to quicken again and she stops herself, not wanting to spiral into another attack. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let it get this bad.” She mutters after a few minutes, wiping the sweat from her forehead.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to hide anything, anymore. I want to know _all_ of you, my love.” He says quietly. His arms, massive in comparison to her hunched shoulders, gently wind their way back around her, squeezing her close for a few seconds before releasing her again.

“Even the embarrassing, messy parts?” She asks with a tired laugh. “Stuff like this.. it doesn’t make you want to..” She trails off for a moment, unsure how to phrase it. “Not.. be with me anymore?” She finishes hesitantly.

“Of course not!” He exclaims, pulling back to look down at her, sounding appalled that Skye would even suggest such a thing. “Whatever troubles you, however insignificant you may think your problems are, I am yours, completely.” He hurries to reassure her, his hand coming to rest on her back and begin rubbing circles into into it.

“I know that I can’t fix these things for you,” He continues. “But I promise you, I’ll be right beside you through everything. I’ll learn how to help you when you start feeling like this again, and you won’t have to deal with it alone anymore.” He presses a kiss against the top of her head as he finishes, as if to seal his promises with it.

Skye once again can’t stop the waterworks, though this time it’s because of Jaal’s words. She’s never really let anyone see this part of her before, and she certainly wasn’t expecting this response.

Unable to speak again, she simply slides her arms up, around his neck and holds onto him as tightly as she can, resting her chin on his shoulder and trying to blink the continuous tears out of her eyes. She feels his own arms snake around her waist and return the embrace.

“I love you, thank you.” She finally murmurs, rubbing her eyes clear with her sleeve as she lets go and sits back to look at him. He’s got the same adoring, gentle gaze that he always does when their alone.

“And I love you,” He sighs, reaching up to wipe a few more stray droplets off her cheek. “Thank you for telling me all of this.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a few moments, before Skye finally yawns, signaling it’s probably time to sleep. She takes her time unwinding from Jaal’s arms and makes her way across the room to crawl into bed, not even bothering to change and instead just slinging her jacket and pants onto the floor.

Jaal follows her, helping her get comfortable, and before he knows it she’s tugging him into the bed too, albeit very weakly.

“I could use someone to snuggle with tonight..” She mumbles, sleep grabbing hold of her quickly.

“Of course.” He chuckles and slides under the blanket next to her, both of them finding a comfortable spooning position together.

“Jaal?” She yawns mid-word, eyes already closed.

“Yes, my darling one?” He replies, sounding just as tired already.

“Will you come with me to talk to Lexi tomorrow?” She asks, a bit nervous despite her tiredness. “I know you wouldn’t be super far but I think it’d be... easier, with you there.”

“Absolutely, now sleep, love.” Jaal exhales a sigh of contentment and shifts to press a final goodnight kiss to the back of her neck.

“Mmm.” She hums in agreement before finally drifting off, exhausted from the mentally taxing night.

Things weren’t perfectly fixed, Skye knows. There’d be plenty more nights like tonight, stress was easy to find with her job. But this was a step forward. She didn’t have to sit alone anymore when the darker thoughts came for her.


End file.
